I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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