Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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