Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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