Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
