bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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