i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
