If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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