The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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