talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
