I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
