My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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