I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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