I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
These tits shall not be calmed
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
