I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
