best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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