the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
