so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
