whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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