Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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