I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
