when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize