Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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