3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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