Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
