you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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