If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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