Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
