He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
