Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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