if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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