Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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