I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
