Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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