Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
