I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
