The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
