Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Text me some of your sweat
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