Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
