someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
