My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
