I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
