I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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