i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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