Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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