Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just puked most of my soul out..
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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