DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
