you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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