everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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