Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
