i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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