whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
