I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
