and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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