My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
