1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
