True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
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