Everything about him screamed your future.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i drank out of a bidet.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
