Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I enjoy the company of your penis
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